Discovery of Longing through Epiphany

I look for a piece of you in every guy I meet. The first guy was his fierceness that mirrored yours. The second guy was his looks and thoughts that I captured. The third guy was his smile and perhaps his height.

Every piece, no matter how subtle it may be, reminds me of you; the little things that you are/do. I find it hard to believe sometimes that I'm not over you, while I have been searching for you; though it's not you that I look for. So are you irreplaceable? I begin to ask myself.

Physically, yes, I can replace you very easily; in fact, I have done so. But your something? Perhaps I cannot. Your something strikes me as what I have been looking for my whole life. I begin to accept it as something that is a part of me because I find my secret self being mirrored in you.

So basically I look for my secret self in someone else;I saw it in you; and that is what attracted me. I found a reason to not feel so lonely because you are me, in a sense, and your secret self is a part of my secret self. And that is how I find you fascinating; because while I look into you to discover you, I discover myself.

But this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding my trapeze.

I don't know what it is lately that has been soiling me with different kinds of emotions. I'm trying my best to keep my cool and I succeed, on the outside, but my insides are all awry. Since last Friday I couldn't put my pencil down. It's therapeutic.

I've been experimenting different ways of portrait drawings (people drawings) and I've improved from my earlier drawings. I'm pretty happy with them--and if people are gonna say things like "why do you keep uploading them they're not even nice" then they can seriously just....well deal with it because why would I listen to hypocrites and I can put this gift from God to use.

I keep my hobbies and passion to mentally escape from everything that mauls me inside out. I have been trying out ways to keep up with them but my emotions tend to get intertwined with one another (like anger and happiness, pain and relief etc.) and this kind of entanglement happens far too often to me. There is nothing wrong with finding an escape as much as there nothing wrong with facing hardship. I just need a short escape, internally--and rejuvenate my spiritual strength.

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