Don't Hold Back

Ever wanted to write something and you end up just staring at the blank page for quite some time? I suppose that's normal; either we have too many things to express or we're distracted by the really good music from our iTunes playlist. Or maybe it's just me.

So two weeks ago I received quite big news that we are moving out of this house and into another smaller apartment. It's typical of my father to inform us of such big plans at the last minute--I guess that's what fathers do? Either way, we discussed the possible apartments--determined by the ideal neighbourhood that we prefer to live in--and so far we have picked one in the east. It's quite a distance I say, since we currently live in the west. I am okay with moving, too. A new place, new environment--and the potential apartment is appealing.

Over the weeks I have pondered over the thought of moving to the other side of the island. Most of my good friends live in the same neighbourhood. Occasionally we would cross paths and have a lovely chat before heading home. I have lived all my life here. When I was a child I lived in an apartment across this one before moving at the age of 8. Every childhood memory is stored in this neighbourhood and to leave it will be painful. Leaving my friends and my best friend (who live in this neighbourhood) will be unimaginable too.

Time changes us and shapes us. Time moves us from one space to another as we grow older and forward. Everything has to change and it's hard to keep some things the same as it were. Perhaps I should take notice of this and get used to the idea of an emotional change. Someday, my dear readers, I have to leave my family, meet a man, fall in love and have my own. The idea of leaving my family terrifies me to the very core of my inner child's soul, but I have to do it. I'll grow into it, I'll move into the idea soon--especially now that I am turning 21 in May this year.

We all got to do it.

I don't recall when this photograph is taken at all.

I was probably 5 years old, or somewhere there.

Also, I was sitting next to my mother

My aunt and mother having a conversation at the old house

My brother and I hovering over old photographs from an old photo album

Discovery of Longing through Epiphany

I look for a piece of you in every guy I meet. The first guy was his fierceness that mirrored yours. The second guy was his looks and thoughts that I captured. The third guy was his smile and perhaps his height.

Every piece, no matter how subtle it may be, reminds me of you; the little things that you are/do. I find it hard to believe sometimes that I'm not over you, while I have been searching for you; though it's not you that I look for. So are you irreplaceable? I begin to ask myself.

Physically, yes, I can replace you very easily; in fact, I have done so. But your something? Perhaps I cannot. Your something strikes me as what I have been looking for my whole life. I begin to accept it as something that is a part of me because I find my secret self being mirrored in you.

So basically I look for my secret self in someone else;I saw it in you; and that is what attracted me. I found a reason to not feel so lonely because you are me, in a sense, and your secret self is a part of my secret self. And that is how I find you fascinating; because while I look into you to discover you, I discover myself.

But this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding my trapeze.

I don't know what it is lately that has been soiling me with different kinds of emotions. I'm trying my best to keep my cool and I succeed, on the outside, but my insides are all awry. Since last Friday I couldn't put my pencil down. It's therapeutic.

I've been experimenting different ways of portrait drawings (people drawings) and I've improved from my earlier drawings. I'm pretty happy with them--and if people are gonna say things like "why do you keep uploading them they're not even nice" then they can seriously just....well deal with it because why would I listen to hypocrites and I can put this gift from God to use.

I keep my hobbies and passion to mentally escape from everything that mauls me inside out. I have been trying out ways to keep up with them but my emotions tend to get intertwined with one another (like anger and happiness, pain and relief etc.) and this kind of entanglement happens far too often to me. There is nothing wrong with finding an escape as much as there nothing wrong with facing hardship. I just need a short escape, internally--and rejuvenate my spiritual strength.

X

Believing in Faith and the act of Faith.

While I linger in the forest of my mind, I kept looking for answers. I seek answers, not from him, but from God. The question isn't anything much to someone else, but it means a lot to me; if I wasn't meant for him, why would You allow my heart to falter for him? While my flawed, selfish being creates principles by logic and from emotions, why do You still allow me to make space and leave a soft spot for him?

So I prayed in silence just to know the answer, to find clues and piece the puzzle. Day by day I refuse to recall what it feels like to have loved him when he didn't deserve my affection without totally abandoning him. While he talks about his passion and happiness, dedication and failure, he shared a part of him to me and I unraveled him more. I began to understand the kind of man he is and accept him as a singularity, as a person I realise I cannot live without.

But years passed and while I burn the hours of my day trying to figure this out, God introduced me to an epiphany of a sort; I am already living without him. God has plans to send him away from me, so I can live and be euphoric without him. While these days linger between wanting him and already losing him, I tilt towards forgetting him altogether. And while I still keep the goodness of his heart in mine, He tries to show me that instead of keeping the idea of hatred and being hated, everyone has a sort of goodness in them.

Now, the hours slip past me and into my past, along with my sorrow of his absence. Let him be absent, let him be. I shall meet someone who deserves more, one who has as good a heart as he. For now, I won't fret about him anymore because I know, for sure, that I have lost him as much as he has lost his faith in God.

And while I sound as foolishly pious to some of you who are reading this, I assure that I am as folly as you. I am flawed and I need God, while you are flawed and you turn a different direction. But I respect you, even if you despise my faith, because if I respect no one then I won't respect myself.

Just as he spoke about faith; he has none left. I scour my soul day and night, falling into the hands of sin and finding ways to repent; the cycle continues. But I never doubt God; for He never doubted me; and the faithless man has given me a true answer.

The last Friday of the holidays

It's 12 October and the last Friday of the semester break. I've been quite rested and happy during these holidays and my mind has been tranquil. I did everything I thought of; reading, writing, drawing, music-making, guitar-playing and of course going out and catching up with my friends.

So last weekend I was at my cousin's place and collected the clothes she gave away. They're her hand-me-downs that I've been meaning to retrieve since earlier this year and didn't have the time to. I picked a short black dress with a ribbon, a grey and green patterned sweater and an Abercrombie and Fitch blouse that would go perfect for my smart-casual wear.

Here is the grey sweater with green patterns

I also tried a very different way of makeup; one that is out of my comfort zone. I've never done this kind of makeup before! ;-)

The black ribbon dress

(You can't see the ribbon in this photograph, it's right on the waistline)

The Abercrombie & Fitch buttoned long-sleeved shirt

School starts next week and 4 ateliers (for the upcoming Final Year Project) were emailed to us last Monday. I picked Aides Memorium: Monument, Memory & the Interior as my most wanted choice. We had to submit a 250 word essay on why we choose the aforementioned atelier. Instead I am given Museum for the Singapore Story. While it is something I don't mind doing, my dear reader, I do wish I get the one I wanted because it is a theoretical approach. I love and enjoy writing and learning the design theories (for Theory of Design is my favourite module) thus I reckon the atelier would do me good. As I read through the brief, there is a lot of research to be done on the World War II in Singapore; it is something I would thoroughly enjoy!

This atelier (Museum for the Singapore Story) however, ties in with the Singapore Discovery Centre. It's basically narrating an architecture with implications from its spatial implications. I will have to read up on Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino and The Library of Babel by Jorge Borges. There are more precedent studies but I'm sure, reader, you wouldn't need to know. :-)

I hope I get through this well. This is the final lap since I will be graduating next year somewhere in February!

X

Ghost in the Crowd

I haven't found an influence or an inspiration for my writing. Everyday I tell myself, "Today I'll continue my story," but it won't reach an hour and I lose my momentum. I'm suffering from a writer's block, reader, and I've been trying to find ways to get out of it!

Today I finished reading the Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh. It's a captivating book, one that I actually have shed a tear! I won't tell you what the plot is about, dear reader, so if you're itching to know more about it, get a copy! Indulge yourself in it, have fun. 

Currently starting on Across the Mersey by Annie Groves. I've also lent three of my books to my cousin; Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and, my favourite of all, the Postmistress by Sarah Blake. Out of the three, Little Women has urged me to refine my writing skills and encourage my creativity (through imagination) while Jane Eyre has embedded logic and principles into my brain. The Postmistress has ignited more passion in me as a growing woman; which is really something I need. Aside from enjoying the stories, I have been slowly overturning stones in search of myself. I have, my dear reader, discovered more about me than I thought I ever would. I connected my very being (both the physical and the spiritual) to many things; my personalities and characteristics from my family, my influences and attachments from my friends and even things that I love (eg, music). Yet despite being everything around me at once, I am bounded to my very own core; I am still me.

I will keep learning and searching to explain these pieces of me and put them together. I may or may not see the whole picture at the end, but I will understand myself and everything around me while I can. I can be trifled, I can be ashamed, I can be insecure. But as I set my principles, I can understand what I am and who I am so when I crumble, I will have a sturdy foundation left to rebuild on.

So, my dear reader, I encourage you most to find out who you are and what you are. Focus on yourself most and don't dwell in picking on other people's best and worst qualities. When you begin to learn about yourself, you respect yourself like no one else. Then no one can bring you down or use you; only you can pick yourself up.

Let them dislike my art, my drawing, my soul. While I busy myself with such enjoyments, they will wither more with every negativity they spout.

X

The first post

After much contemplation week after week after week, I have finally succumbed to opening a blogspot. It's mainly for my writing; I used to have a blog when I was a teen and they were horribly updated; I read them and winced throughout each entry because of how much of a little teeny girl I was. I promise, my dear reader, that this time it won't be repulsive. ;-)

Usually this is the part where I make promises like updating my blog everyday or things like that; truth is, even if I make such promises, I will break it. Instead, I shall just remind myself that I have an actual blog now, and I should take it a little more seriously.

So let's start! :-)

The Demo song
oh I feel I'm gonna crash
and too many faces,
I can't remember
so many choices but I've got to make the right one

the moon is talking to the stars and 
it said, "We're not the same at all,"
but all I see is that it's
lighting up the dark

I am moving back tonight coz
I miss the sunrise in my room
there is no need to
fight for comfort anymore

I hear the breeze inside my mind
but all you can hear is the sound of truth
I write a poem but it
doesn't rhyme at all

and I know,
this is my home
but I'm walking on this road
where do I go?

This song is written when I began to understand the bittersweetness in many things. The little things, really; and despite the things I went through, I just want to say that I am all right. It's amazing because at this age, I open my eyes to all the open doors. This is one of the most personal songs I've ever written.

All in all, dear reader, I have learned a lot the values of life this year. I have discovered myself and opened more doors and hallways for myself too. There is a whole new world inside of me, one that I shall keep and allow very few to enter. I already know who to let in and who to keep out. I also urge you, my brilliant reader, to follow your passion and not conceal it with so much of logic and reality. Do what you love and love what you do. 

X